The Manliest Man

Richard Daniel Babcock, III, goes by the name of “Dick D. ‘Cock.” His garage is the manliest man cave you will ever see in your life. It is basically a bar that fits into a garage and is stocked with every kind of alcoholic beverage imaginable. It also has a lot of sports swag (too much for one person), a giant wall-mounted plasma tv that only plays sports games, and movies for manly men. It is lavishly decorated with pictures that are so inappropriate that they’re only worthy of a manly’s man’s eye. It is truly a man cave. 

Inside his house on the other hand, there are light pink frilly curtains, a sewing machine, cooking appliances, hot pink wallpaper, and, in the cabinet behind his mirror, a buttload of makeup. Before he invites his manly men friends to his man cave to drink and talk about manly man things, he goes into his car to watch videos of cats helping each other out. Like if one cat falls down, the other tries to lift it up. He cries and says, “It’s so beautiful.” Then, for the next ten minutes, he practices his smoking voice to sound like he was just smoking a couple of cigarettes, not watching feminine things. When his friends come, he says, “I was just smoking.” 

Richard’s friends are also very manly men in public, though they too like to get in touch with their feminine side at home. One of his friends has won the knitting world championships as Zoe Glamour. I don’t think that’s a thing, but I don’t care. And others like to do womanly things such as gossip about celebrities and buy the latest beauty products. They are so focused on keeping their secrets and looking like stereotypical manly men that they don’t notice when their friends’ manliness slips. One time as his friends were coming over to his manly man cave, Richard realized that he was in the middle of knitting and all his friends could see it so he quickly put it away, though none of his friends actually saw because they were too busy stuffing their lip glosses deep in their pockets and frantically removing their mascara. All of them go to the local knitting and bridge club and dress drag doing it. They do not want to get caught! They also do not realize that it is their friends who are in this club and that they are also dressing drag (it turns out there are no women in this club, just Richard and his friends.) 

On a sort of unrelated subject, today’s manly men are not manly compared to men from the paleolithic era. Men from preagricultural times had to go out and hunt giant woolly mammals (that could probably kill them in one blow) using a hand axe. Today’s manly men can just go order a pizza from Round Table. The manly men of the present era might have very ferocious bulldogs, but I don’t even know how many animals they dared to try to domesticate in the paleolithic era. And trying to domesticate scary giant animals is much manlier than buying a bulldog at the pet store. (No one from the paleolithic era would ever have cats, because the only cats there were saber-toothed tigers and would rather eat a human than be pet by one.) The thing is, women from paleolithic times are probably more manly than today’s manly man is. Sadly, we cannot study manliness through looking at people’s bones, so actually I have no idea. 

Amos Young wrote this piece. He also wrote about Tanner Lovelocks, and he’ll probably end up writing other stuff on this blog.