The Ascension of Tanner Lovelocks

Tanner Lovelocks was born on June 26, 1989 in Providence, Rhode Island to Beau and Rosalinda Lovelocks. Mr. and Mrs. Lovelocks owned a modest underwear company called Booty Beauty. Little did they know, their only son (he has 3 older and 2 younger sisters) was soon to become the second most recognizable face of the Millennium. After graduating high school, Tanner said adios to his tiny state and moved with his two schoolfriends Dax Jackson and Jax Dackson to Los Angeles, where they formed a boy band called The Sexy and Awesome Guys. A couple of facts about The Sexy and Awesome Guys:

•        Their hit song was called You’re So Controlling But I Love You So Control Me Babe*.

•        Their first concert had over 13,000 people attending in a very small theater. The majority of people were Tanner’s fangirls.

•        Dax Jackson and Jax Dackson were not just stage names, their real names were actually Jax Dackson and Dax Jackson.

Sadly, their career together ended when Tanner’s lovely face caught the eye of Face Place as well as Veronica C. H. Ease, whom he later became romantically involved with. The band broke up on December 7, 2007 – only 5 months after it was formed. Not much is known about what happened to his bandmates after they were tossed aside.

Tanner started with being in advertisements for only a few companies and acting only for Ease’s movies, such as the famously infamous horror/romance movie, Love at Last Sight. However, this was not enough for Tanner. Using his face to attract more and more directors and cosmetics companies, Tanner became involved in bigger and bigger things until the name Tanner was practically synonymous with complete stardom. In April 2008, all the tabloid magazines had Tanner’s picture on it. This, sadly, was not going to last forever.

It started a few months after Tanner began advertising face creams for Face Place. Tanner had signed a contract and was using only their products, but he started getting pimples. Companies started rejecting him. His girlfriend started rejecting him. Luckily, he broke the contract and before long, everything was normal. It was like nothing ever happened. But then, something worse was happening. He was balding.

He should have known. Much of his family on his mother’s side was bald, including his grandmother. But by then the pimples had come back, and in the space of about two months, he had gone from superstar to being a total reject, and this time, nobody was on his side. His girlfriend actually did break up with him. Everyone left, including the Cult of Tanner that had dubbed him their lord and savior. It didn’t help that someone else’s face had been noticed by these same people. It was the face of the one and only Swedish hottie, Sven Svelte.

Sven Svelte was born in Sweden in 1992 and moved to Minnesota at the age of one. He starred in several commercials when he was younger, but he never thought he would one day become even more famous than Tanner Lovelocks. No one is really sure how it happened, but soon Svelte became more successful than Lovelocks and was dating Tanner’s ex, Golden Bootylicious. Tanner was soon forgotten and never heard of again. But most people (besides conspiracy theorists that are also stoners) figured he couldn’t have disappeared. The question remains: What happened to Tanner Lovelocks?

*Other famous songs by the Sexy and Awesome Guys:

• I Love You Almost as Much as Myself
• I Think You’re Beautiful (But I Don’t Care Anything Else About You)
• We’ve Been Dating So Long That I Don’t Remember Who’s the Bad Influence
• I’d Date You But Only if You Get Plastic Surgery

Amos Young, who made the art and wrote this, is a person, not a dog. He likes certain things and dislikes other things.