Author: cbernz

Dear Mr. Reaper

~ cbernz ~ Leave a comment

Grim Reaper
22 Apocalypse Way
Stygian Acres, Hades 00000

 

Dear Mr. Reaper,

Thank you for submitting your renewal form for your 2020 Soul Harvesting License. As you are no doubt aware, the COVID-19 outbreak is causing elevated terror levels amongst middle-class white people. This has somewhat complicated the 2020 soul harvesting season, and there have been several rule updates, which are outlined below:

—The following changes to the 2020 soul harvesting rules are effective IMMEDIATELY—

1) The souls of people hiding* from coronavirus, or any pathogen that may be reasonably mistaken for coronavirus, are NOT to be harvested. This includes souls in voluntary OR involuntary quarantine, jail, prison (including death row), nursing homes, hospitals, and hospice care. (see section 4 for exemptions)

* “Hiding” is defined as the act of fear-driven isolation (e.g. cowering, skulking, trembling) characterized by:

-the consistent maintenance of a 6-foot distance from other souls

-the repetition of at least 1 obsessive/compulsive behavior (e.g. handwashing, paper hoarding, application of antiseptics to foodstuffs)

-the posting/re-tweeting of at least 3 COVID-related articles or slogans per week

2) The souls of people who accidentally come into contact with coronavirus while shopping for groceries, medications, alcohol, firearms, or other essentials, as well as those of people who come into contact with coronavirus while visiting a doctor’s office, hospital, post office, or any other approved essential place of business, are NOT to be harvested, PROVIDED they maintain the condition of “hiding” as defined above. (See section 4 for exemptions)

3) The souls of workers at any approved “essential” businesses are NOT to be harvested, PROVIDED they maintain the condition of “hiding” as defined above. (See section 4 for exemptions)

4) EXEMPTIONS: The following souls are exempted from rules 1-3 and MAY be harvested:

-the souls of people who receive a false positive test and become ill or depressed as a result of isolation, fear, or exacerbation of pre-existing illness

-the souls of people who receive a false negative test and succumb to COVID (up to the accepted limit of 30% of the total negative test results)

-the souls of people who become ill due to non-COVID ailments and are unable to get medical help

-the souls of people with chronic conditions who due to COVID panic are receiving improper or insufficient medical care

-the souls of any people NOT infected with coronavirus AND/OR failing to meet the proper definition of “hiding” as defined above, including, but not limited to, victims of: heart disease, cancer, stroke, pneumonia, flu, Alzheimer’s, kidney failure, diabetes, suicide, starvation, malnutrition, drowning, electrocution, car accident, boat accident, plane accident, alcoholism, drug overdose, Parkinson’s, aneurism, poisoning, gunshot, stab wounds, tuberculosis, malaria, measles, preterm birth complications, land mines, bombs, air pollution, water pollution, soil pollution, domestic violence, non-domestic violence, radiation poisoning, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes, wildfires, house fires, snakebite, spider bite, jellyfish sting, tiger attack, bear attack, hippopotamus attack, crocodile attack, shark attack, tightrope walking, extreme sports, non-extreme sports, extreme video gaming, careless selfie-taking, sadness, depression, broken heart, angst, Weltschmerz, and ennui

We feel these temporary rule changes will help drastically reduce middle-class white anxiety, while only minimally affecting this year’s soul harvest. Your understanding and cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Humanity

The Law of Conservation of Energy

~ cbernz ~ Leave a comment

The total energy of
An isolated system
Remains constant.
Energy, like matter,
Is neither created
Nor destroyed.

I know this.
Which is why I went
Quite confusedly
Through my isolated system
Searching for the energy.
Any I could find.

Oh, I did find some…

Seeping meekly from
A trio of mismatched bulbs
In a dusty, bug-filled fixture…

Buzzing in brief, menacing bursts
From the wings of a paper wasp
Seeking refuge from the rain…

Falling in the incessant sleet
Of fingertips on keyboard and screen…

These were remnants
(Or so I thought)
Left behind after some
Unseen exodus of energy
From one end of my
Isolated system
To another.

Energy has a sound,
A smell, a feeling.
It should have left a clue
When it relocated.
A thunderclap
A whiff of ozone
A flash of heat
As the energy retreated
Into the attic, perhaps.
Or the toolshed.

The absence of energy
In an isolated system
Has its own sound.
A pitchless, timeless drone.
Audible inertia.
And it smells like apathy
Sprouting in old dishwater.
Feeling? That’s a tough one.
That requires a bit more energy
Than I can find right now.

I’m beginning to suspect
That the energy took one look
At this isolated system,
Gave William Rankine the finger,
And destroyed itself.

Time

~ cbernz ~ 1 Comment

What time is it?
Looks like…half past nine.
Is there something I’m supposed to do?
What exactly was it that
I used to do right now
Back when “now” had meaning?
If I remember it, eventually,
I’ll do it later.
Maybe.

What day is it?
Well, it’s Thursday here
But it’s still Wednesday where you are
And I’m talking to you
On Zoom…or Skype?
No, it’s Zoom.
So what you say on Wednesday
Actually reaches me a day later.
That’s quite a delay, man!
They should really fix that.

What week is this?
Is this the one where we were
Supposed to be in France?
Or is it the one where we were going
To that party at your brother’s house?
I can’t even recall
What the occasion was.
Or is.
Or will be.
If it ever will.
Or was.

What month is it?
How many goddamn weeks
Have we been hiding in
This bloody foxhole?
When are we going over the top?
I really want to meet the enemy
Face to face, Captain.
Before our supplies run out.
Or they sever our communications.
Or we just forget what time is
And we forget what time was
And we lose what will be
And what could have been
And then…what was this fight
Even for?

Dear Earth,

~ cbernz ~ Leave a comment

I know this is supposed to be your “special day” and all, and we should be, like, singing songs to you or whatever, but we just had to tell you we know what you did, and it’s NOT COOL. Not cool at all. Did you think we wouldn’t know it was you? I mean it was either you, or Climate, or Evolution, or Natural Selection, or one of your other little minions who did it, but come on, it was your idea. This virus shit? That’s pretty low, even for you. Look at us. We are all hiding from you and your fucking trickster girlfriends because of your little stunt. We might have to get a restraining order against your ass. Or a “cease and desist.”

Why would you do this to us? After all we’ve done for you? Remember that time we got a bunch of 20-year-olds to plant random trees all over the place? Wasn’t that nice? Or the time we made our cars a little bit less dirty? Or when we kinda sorta stopped killing all the elephants and rhinos for a little bit? Those were good times, baby, you know they were. Look, we know we haven’t been perfect, but we’ve changed a LOT. We even made this special day for you just to show you how much we’ve changed. Just to show you how much each and every one of us loves you and takes you seriously. But this virus thing – it’s almost like you don’t even want us around. Pretty fucking cold. That’s colder than your polar ice caps, and I’m talking about how they were back before they started melting. ICE COLD.

You are better than this, baby. Please, just stop. Stop embarrassing yourself, with your little pandemic stunt. Just take a deep breath, and think about the good times, and we promise you will feel better. Hey, we’ll plant even more random trees. And get some more celebrities to stop using palm oil. Maybe we can even get one of them to write you a really nice song, and you can forget about this silly pandemic idea forever. Ok? Does that sound good to you, baby?

You need to admit what you did to us, and we will forgive you. But we can’t go on this way. We are running out of Netflix shows, and we are sick of using those shitty recycled paper towels that don’t absorb anything. So knock it off, or we really will have to get that restraining order, baby, and we know you don’t want that.

Love,

Humankind

Stay

~ cbernz ~ Leave a comment

Stay home.
Save lives.
How many?
I don’t know.
It’s definitely a lot.
Does it matter?
Just do it.
United we die.
Divided we live.
E pluribus plures.
Don’t tread on me
Or anywhere near me.
You might have germs.

Stay away.
Stay far away from me.
And everyone else.
Don’t kill my grampa!
Why would you want
To kill my grampa
You selfish bastard?
He fought in France
To protect us all
From tyranny.
And now he might die
In a nursing home
All alone
And it will be
Your fault.

You didn’t stay home yesterday.
I saw you out here
Having fun.
Non-essential fun
Where you aren’t allowed.
It’s dangerous
And unacceptable.
Why can’t you just
Stay inside
And bake bread
Like the rest of us?
We’re all in this together
So do your part
And fuck off.

You obviously don’t care
About the curve.
But you need to
Starting now.
See that red hill?
Look how tall it’s gotten.
That’s mostly your fault
You hedonistic asshole.
You’d better wise up
And help us
Flatten this fucking thing
Or we will flatten
Your face
(From a safe distance, naturally).

Go ahead. Try it.
Take one step closer.
I’ll call the cops.
Take two steps?
I’ll sneeze on you
I swear to God
And then you’ll catch
My disease, too.
Then you’re really screwed, pal.
There’s no vaccine
For what I’ve got
And there never will be.

Six Feet

~ cbernz ~ Leave a comment

Watch yourself! Coming through!
Six-foot bubble, displacing you.
My private air! You can’t come in.
Your air comes towards me? Mine will win.

Wear a mask! Wear none at all!
My bodyguard stands six feet tall!
He sees if you’ve been good or bad
And how many close contacts you’ve had.

Transparent knight with skin of steel.
All viruses are forced to kneel.
My safety is your main concern.
And if it ain’t, you’d better learn.

You washed your fruit? Don’t make me laugh!
I soak my meals in a bubble bath.
I don’t fret if I touch my eye
‘Cause I’ve scrubbed both my hands with lye.

My six-foot bubble is a slice
Of antiseptic paradise.
So clear the lane! My bubble’s here
To make your bubbles quake with fear!

Six feet left. Six feet right.
My bubble’s watching, day and night.
But when my pillow hits my head
I still hope I don’t wake up dead.

….Shale Silverstone