Grim Reaper
22 Apocalypse Way
Stygian Acres, Hades 00000
Dear Mr. Reaper,
Thank you for submitting your renewal form for your 2020 Soul Harvesting License. As you are no doubt aware, the COVID-19 outbreak is causing elevated terror levels amongst middle-class white people. This has somewhat complicated the 2020 soul harvesting season, and there have been several rule updates, which are outlined below:
—The following changes to the 2020 soul harvesting rules are effective IMMEDIATELY—
1) The souls of people hiding* from coronavirus, or any pathogen that may be reasonably mistaken for coronavirus, are NOT to be harvested. This includes souls in voluntary OR involuntary quarantine, jail, prison (including death row), nursing homes, hospitals, and hospice care. (see section 4 for exemptions)
* “Hiding” is defined as the act of fear-driven isolation (e.g. cowering, skulking, trembling) characterized by:
-the consistent maintenance of a 6-foot distance from other souls
-the repetition of at least 1 obsessive/compulsive behavior (e.g. handwashing, paper hoarding, application of antiseptics to foodstuffs)
-the posting/re-tweeting of at least 3 COVID-related articles or slogans per week
2) The souls of people who accidentally come into contact with coronavirus while shopping for groceries, medications, alcohol, firearms, or other essentials, as well as those of people who come into contact with coronavirus while visiting a doctor’s office, hospital, post office, or any other approved essential place of business, are NOT to be harvested, PROVIDED they maintain the condition of “hiding” as defined above. (See section 4 for exemptions)
3) The souls of workers at any approved “essential” businesses are NOT to be harvested, PROVIDED they maintain the condition of “hiding” as defined above. (See section 4 for exemptions)
4) EXEMPTIONS: The following souls are exempted from rules 1-3 and MAY be harvested:
-the souls of people who receive a false positive test and become ill or depressed as a result of isolation, fear, or exacerbation of pre-existing illness
-the souls of people who receive a false negative test and succumb to COVID (up to the accepted limit of 30% of the total negative test results)
-the souls of people who become ill due to non-COVID ailments and are unable to get medical help
-the souls of people with chronic conditions who due to COVID panic are receiving improper or insufficient medical care
-the souls of any people NOT infected with coronavirus AND/OR failing to meet the proper definition of “hiding” as defined above, including, but not limited to, victims of: heart disease, cancer, stroke, pneumonia, flu, Alzheimer’s, kidney failure, diabetes, suicide, starvation, malnutrition, drowning, electrocution, car accident, boat accident, plane accident, alcoholism, drug overdose, Parkinson’s, aneurism, poisoning, gunshot, stab wounds, tuberculosis, malaria, measles, preterm birth complications, land mines, bombs, air pollution, water pollution, soil pollution, domestic violence, non-domestic violence, radiation poisoning, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes, wildfires, house fires, snakebite, spider bite, jellyfish sting, tiger attack, bear attack, hippopotamus attack, crocodile attack, shark attack, tightrope walking, extreme sports, non-extreme sports, extreme video gaming, careless selfie-taking, sadness, depression, broken heart, angst, Weltschmerz, and ennui
We feel these temporary rule changes will help drastically reduce middle-class white anxiety, while only minimally affecting this year’s soul harvest. Your understanding and cooperation is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Humanity
Not Another Frigging Blog 