Dear Earth,

I know this is supposed to be your “special day” and all, and we should be, like, singing songs to you or whatever, but we just had to tell you we know what you did, and it’s NOT COOL. Not cool at all. Did you think we wouldn’t know it was you? I mean it was either you, or Climate, or Evolution, or Natural Selection, or one of your other little minions who did it, but come on, it was your idea. This virus shit? That’s pretty low, even for you. Look at us. We are all hiding from you and your fucking trickster girlfriends because of your little stunt. We might have to get a restraining order against your ass. Or a “cease and desist.”

Why would you do this to us? After all we’ve done for you? Remember that time we got a bunch of 20-year-olds to plant random trees all over the place? Wasn’t that nice? Or the time we made our cars a little bit less dirty? Or when we kinda sorta stopped killing all the elephants and rhinos for a little bit? Those were good times, baby, you know they were. Look, we know we haven’t been perfect, but we’ve changed a LOT. We even made this special day for you just to show you how much we’ve changed. Just to show you how much each and every one of us loves you and takes you seriously. But this virus thing – it’s almost like you don’t even want us around. Pretty fucking cold. That’s colder than your polar ice caps, and I’m talking about how they were back before they started melting. ICE COLD.

You are better than this, baby. Please, just stop. Stop embarrassing yourself, with your little pandemic stunt. Just take a deep breath, and think about the good times, and we promise you will feel better. Hey, we’ll plant even more random trees. And get some more celebrities to stop using palm oil. Maybe we can even get one of them to write you a really nice song, and you can forget about this silly pandemic idea forever. Ok? Does that sound good to you, baby?

You need to admit what you did to us, and we will forgive you. But we can’t go on this way. We are running out of Netflix shows, and we are sick of using those shitty recycled paper towels that don’t absorb anything. So knock it off, or we really will have to get that restraining order, baby, and we know you don’t want that.

Love,

Humankind